So it's done.

Well, the second performance anyway. Not a competition or anything. But as far as I know, the only time we'll be showing that video at co op. God did it again. :)
Afterward though...I didn't get an adrenaline rush like Districts. And that's not bad. It's just a bit different. I wasn't physically exhausted. I don't even know how to explain, written nor spoken, how I felt and how I feel. But I was realizing on the way home from work today: God knows. He knows PRECISELY how I feel, which even I don't know--AND He knows WHY. AND my life is in His hands! How awesome is that? He will ALWAYS understand me and know exactly what's going on with me, and exactly why and exactly what I need to do. He. is. amazing.

Rescue

Cause I need You Jesus
To come to my rescue
Where else can I go?
There's no other name by
Which I am saved
Capture me with grace
I will follow You...

I am tired. As my charges would say, "I amen't" tired like I need sleep...well I AM. But that's not what I was talking about. I have no idea what is wrong with me or what I should be doing or where I'm going or who I'm becoming or what I'm doing with myself and what I'm doing right and what I'm doing wrong. I was telling God this last night, that He just needs to help me because I don't even know what I'm doing...and I realized..I guess...that could be a good place to be. I'm just going to have to trust Him. I wasn't giving my all today, and I don't think I have been, for a while. I used to make up my own human videos and practice them all by myself, ending exhausted--and I wouldn't realize till I was done how much I'd put into it. Because THEN I would feel exhausted. Now I'm just...not doing it. I look fake, I don't feel it, and I feel like I'm going to puke nearly every morning there's practice.
I
can't
do
this.

I can't do ANYthing. I'm just...not good. I'm not...right.

Okay. **takes deep breath** I vented, I listened to Rescue by Michael Gungor, I listened to I Can't Do This by Plumb, I laughed at how ridiculous I sound, and I realized I'm blowing things out of proportion. It's going to be okay. God will always. work things out perfectly.

And if I have to crawl
Well You'd crawl too
I stumble and I fall
Carry me through
The wonder of it all
Is You see me through...

Here I am
At the end of me
Trying to hold
To what I can't see
I forgot how to hope
This night's been so long
I cling to Your promise:
There will be a dawn!

(I love that line! :D)

Dudes, I am not depressed, nor do I think I have the worst life ever. I love my friends, my family, God, and they love me, and I know they love me. It's me that's the problem. I need to get past myself and do this thing. I know I can't do it, but I can give it my all and let God take over the rest. And I know He will, because He's done it before.