So it's done.

Well, the second performance anyway. Not a competition or anything. But as far as I know, the only time we'll be showing that video at co op. God did it again. :)
Afterward though...I didn't get an adrenaline rush like Districts. And that's not bad. It's just a bit different. I wasn't physically exhausted. I don't even know how to explain, written nor spoken, how I felt and how I feel. But I was realizing on the way home from work today: God knows. He knows PRECISELY how I feel, which even I don't know--AND He knows WHY. AND my life is in His hands! How awesome is that? He will ALWAYS understand me and know exactly what's going on with me, and exactly why and exactly what I need to do. He. is. amazing.

Rescue

Cause I need You Jesus
To come to my rescue
Where else can I go?
There's no other name by
Which I am saved
Capture me with grace
I will follow You...

I am tired. As my charges would say, "I amen't" tired like I need sleep...well I AM. But that's not what I was talking about. I have no idea what is wrong with me or what I should be doing or where I'm going or who I'm becoming or what I'm doing with myself and what I'm doing right and what I'm doing wrong. I was telling God this last night, that He just needs to help me because I don't even know what I'm doing...and I realized..I guess...that could be a good place to be. I'm just going to have to trust Him. I wasn't giving my all today, and I don't think I have been, for a while. I used to make up my own human videos and practice them all by myself, ending exhausted--and I wouldn't realize till I was done how much I'd put into it. Because THEN I would feel exhausted. Now I'm just...not doing it. I look fake, I don't feel it, and I feel like I'm going to puke nearly every morning there's practice.
I
can't
do
this.

I can't do ANYthing. I'm just...not good. I'm not...right.

Okay. **takes deep breath** I vented, I listened to Rescue by Michael Gungor, I listened to I Can't Do This by Plumb, I laughed at how ridiculous I sound, and I realized I'm blowing things out of proportion. It's going to be okay. God will always. work things out perfectly.

And if I have to crawl
Well You'd crawl too
I stumble and I fall
Carry me through
The wonder of it all
Is You see me through...

Here I am
At the end of me
Trying to hold
To what I can't see
I forgot how to hope
This night's been so long
I cling to Your promise:
There will be a dawn!

(I love that line! :D)

Dudes, I am not depressed, nor do I think I have the worst life ever. I love my friends, my family, God, and they love me, and I know they love me. It's me that's the problem. I need to get past myself and do this thing. I know I can't do it, but I can give it my all and let God take over the rest. And I know He will, because He's done it before.

Oh de lolly!

The grandparents came, I attempted to write a 50,000 word novel in 30 days, I got to 31,730 something, we had a late Thanksgiving, we got our tree in the FIRST week of December, WITH the grandparents, we decorated it, we slept under it, we've raked and blown leaves, I want snow, I'm not so bratty and angry about my school now, I feel ever so much better. Praise God. That wasn't all in quite the right order, but I'm quite happy. I'm behind in Biology, in History, in Math, in wishing a dear friend a traditional happy birthday (traditional meaning...a special tradition we have), in finishing my novel, in...speaking out? But I am happy. Very, actually. Not because I'm perfect. NOT because I can do all this on my own. But because He is giving me help, I know He's there to help me, not to harm me. My teacher doesn't hate me and understands. He loves me and just showed me how silly I was being, and then gave me peace. Praise God! :D

God bless each and every one of you!
~me

Have you ever realized?

Hello all!
I've had several times this month and last as well...I think, where I've thought of realizations to put here, and even ways to word them. (some.) I can't quite remember them all now, nor even many.
I've realized I have spent far too many days indoors and have started to focus more on my self rather than Him, and more on my physical world.
I've realized I almost forgot the actual joy of going through a super tough hike and seeing the amazing beautiful, superiorly awesome view and remembering Who made it all.
I've realized I think some physical things through far too much. Like friendships, and when should I start "dating" or should I "date", and who should I date when I do start? I don't need to worry about those things yet. Really.
I've realized although I don't get a lot of politics and they can be amusing and infuriating (and I really mean infuriating) they are rather important to at least slightly understand if one wants to have a say in this country, and by golly do I want a say.
I've realized I really really REALLY get into stories. Like, they REEALLY puuull at my heartstrings. Plus, I think maybe I think through even history's stories maybe too much. Not like dissecting them exactly nor trying to dicipher all the possible different meanings, but rather thinking, "GOSH, what must that have BEEN like? To go against your own country, almost, and besides knowing you may be fighting friends and family, to know you were going up against probably the most powerful military force in the world then?" And then getting heartwrenched over it, when it was hundreds of years ago! AND,
I have realized I NEED to realize, humans in stories, whether real or no, are just that:human. Maybe they have/had a wonderful growing relationship with God, but they still are just humans. George Washington was very cool, but he was JUST a man.
I may not agree with this administration AT ALL, but he is JUST a man. And no matter what happens, this is JUST physical. No one can do anything past our death to us. And no matter what happens, its ALL in God's hands and no one elses. And however much power the devil may seem to have, he is defeated, and he's just poking around like the loser he is, waiting for the ultimate end. GOD is the victor, plus He loves us, which is an amazing, merciful, wonderful plus.
AND I'm getting quite carried away with this post.
I really really really want to be in the next play.
God will do whats best for us all, me included, because He always does, and He promised He would and He never ever breaks His promises-even if I think I'm left floundering, its probably because I was trying to push through by myself instead of accepting His help...even though He knows and sees everything, so why wouldn't I want the help?
I've realized I can get very passionate about things, and it kind of worries me sometime. Like I think maybe someday I'll just blow up at someone. Haha, I don't REALLY think that, and to be honest, it doesn't really worry me, I've just noticed it.
PLEASE KNOW: This is not meant to be angsty. This is actually happy for me. Its just.t..points. And truths. And things I have remembered, been shown, and discovered. Its not me trying to rant or anything. This is good stuff, trust me! :P
And now.
"you can't knock 'em out
you can't walk away
try desperately to think of the politest way to say
just get outta my face
just leave me a-lo-one
and no you can't have my number..why?
'cause I lost my phone."
heh heh heh.
Goodnight, goodbye to all. :P I am so looking forward to Thanksgiving, and DEFINITELY Christmaas! :D
God bless all y'all.
NOTE: I must say, I do understand that the devil has some power and that we shouldn't just ignore him. I'm just saying, he has FAR less power than our all-powerful God. And that shouldn't be ignored either. :)

BOO

Haha, did I scare you? ....oh. I didn't think so. I was just asking for etiquette's sake. Etiquette and tradition, you know. So. I have read "A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court", and it was very good. What say all of you? I tried to look it up on youtube (silly me) and see if they'd made a movie, or, you know....a pretty true to the book movie. Apparently they made one with Keisha Knight Pullam (sp?) in it-you know, Rudy from the Cosby Show. She was a 12 year old girl who fell off a horse and went back in time to Camelot. When, actually, in the book, its a something-aged man who gets in a fight and then goes back to Camelot. Haha, but thats okay. :P
So anyhoo.
Have any of you read it? What did you think?

I was Jekyll, Jekyll, Hyde, Jekyll, Hyde, Hyde, Jekyll!

Oh yes. Hello all. I feel like my life has changed a lot since my last post. And indeed it has. I've grown up some, naturally, and maybe spiritually. Haha, and socially. Maybe.

But. Who all has read The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde? What did you think? I'm in the middle of writing a poem for my English assignment for that book. But I like it, and I really liked the book. :)

Sick. Not going back to agape until Thursday, Lord willing I can go on Thursday.
So how have you all been?

My life has definitely changed. My siblings have, around the same time period, started dating/courting, whatever you'd like to call it. Well, no, not whatever you'd like to call it. Pursuing a relationship in a Godly manner. That's much better. And one of my siblings has been recently engaged. Sweet!

I like ice skating. Ice skating is cool. I've been 6 or 7 times...

My poem is getting long, too. I dunno. I might have to cut back. I can be rather long winded. As you probably know.

Wellllll....byeShannon!

oh. And I've got an interest in Psyche now. I mean...I've seen a grand total of three episodes. One of them was the season finale which was creeepy.
"Hey everyone, look how big I am next to this plane. Wooosh, I'm King Kong!"
Bye!

Dream

It was in a room. It looked a bit like my room at times. I think at first we were just playing;we had our own little space to play in-and then, later, it wasn't play. It was real, and we had to be there, to hide. There were three other girls, and a spider too, but we counted her as one of the girls. So there were five of us. All cozily hidden away-some two to a bed, one sleeping in a box. Although we were so cheerful and happy with each other always, it was a rather sweet existence. I can't remember if Kermit was always there, or if he joined us later-but he was. Only darker, and in some kind of...uniform? So it was us five girls (including the spider) and Kermit, hiding away. He slept/lived? in...a closet type of thing. Then things got worse. I think. A man...a soldier, I think. Came to the door, and was holding Kermit, who was almost frozen and scared stiff. The man told me something about catching him and then he escaped. (I don't know why he was bringing him back though) So I thought I shouldn't let him know we were harboring all sorts of people, and protecting them, so I said something about oh yes of course, he'll be kept in a cage. But he wouldn't be really, and Kermit knew that. I was protecting him. So we closed the door, and I put something heavy against it. The man was a Nazi. I helped Kermit back into his closet, and he wouldn't talk much. I put something heavy against that too, although Kermit could still get in and out. I explained to someone that the man was a Nazi, and that they had uniforms a bit like the ones the workers wore, only different. Then we couldn't find the spider. But we weren't too worried about her. And then...there was some other woman who came...something about jewels...she made me think somewhat of a big opera singer. I think she was some sort of relation to one of the girls, and so she took refuge with us too. I explained how things worked with us, and where everyone slept. I'm not sure...but maybe there was another girl or two as well? I don't know why, but I had never shared a bed. Now I did. Either with one girl, or with two girls. Maybe the older lady slept in the box, so the girl moved into my bed. Then we couldn't stay there always...maybe that happened after we noticed the spider wasn't always there. So it was a safe hiding place, but not if we stayed there too long? So after explaining to the woman, we all settled down and even though we had maybe one or two thin blankets between the two or three girls on the bed, we were warm and comfortable. Then I had to sit up in bed to answer the lady's question, I think. Then we weren't as comfortable and we were colder. Then...there was a bird. And his younger brother? They stayed and uncovered something...I think it was a tiny stage-like maybe if you were a pigeon, you could fit on it. And there were little tables set up and all that-but it seemed to have been abandoned. Only there was one stranger bird performing and we watched him, and then he noticed us, and tried to talk to us, and started to say something to us that made us think we shouldn't trust him, so we tried to...get rid of? or hide? the stage-and he tried to stop us. So I think after we...destroyed the stage or hid it or something, we realized we couldn't stay there all the time. We could only come sometimes or it wouldn't be safe anymore. That was sad. I remember seeing one of the girls laughing, and she had long wavy dark hair-and a white nightgown, like all the girls wore.

When I woke up, I wanted to go back-it was such a happy dream-then I realized it was sad...sort of. I can never remember all the details nor specifications of my dreams. Sigh. Then I realized it was strange. But you know in dreams they never are.